Which way should I go?
How do you make decisions? This is something I’ve been pondering for myself recently. I remember many years ago, during my training to support new parents through the psychological transition to parenthood, we were introduced to the Facts. Folks, Feelings model.
Interestingly, science-based research (alongside the slightly more doubtful information we see on the internet which we may need to verify for ourselves) does influence us. As do the opinions of those around us - the folks element - consisting of family, friends, colleagues and our peer group. However, often the most influential factor in our decision making is our feelings. This comprises of both our emotions and the bodily sensations, which often rest below consciousness, and that can drive our emotional reactions.
The key to making balanced decisions is to be aware of all points of the triangle. Before making a big decision it can be helpful to take a pause and balance our decision-making by considering all elements of the triangle. Of course it is important to fully consider the objective information and the impact of our decision on those around us. But, in my work as a coach, I often need to support people to tune into and trust the important guiding information of our feelings.
Trusting our inner knowing
Our feelings and intuition can be powerful allies, especially if we bring them into consciousness. All too often in modern day life, we are encouraged to discount our intuition. But when we stop to consider, our intuition has a powerful basis in instinct. I regularly offer Equine Facilitated Learning with my horses and they are masters at tuning into their instinct, interpreting the message and responding appropriately before returning to grazing.
In this way, animals have a big advantage over humans, they don’t spend a lifetime ruminating about past decisions or planning and worrying about what will happen in the future!
All this is forefront of my mind right now as I’ve recently been navigating a big decision. After four years of studying my Masters, my route to compilation was clear. A final year and a major teaching project, then I’d be done! However, for a while, I’ve been feeling pulled into two directions. The positive is that both are enticing and rewarding. The challenge is I have to choose! Do I focus my research study on:
My passion for teaching impactful evidence-based curriculum such as MBSR and MBCL. OR
The transformational chemistry that happens when I offer my own unique blend of mindful compassion and nature-based practice infused with the many rich aspects of learning and healing which I have studied during my 25 years in the field of personal growth.
The good news is that, of course, I can continue to do the work I love in both areas. The crunch is I must decide on the focus of my final research project!
As I reflect, I recognise that it was feelings that prompted me to review my own way forward. Initially, I noticed a nagging sense of unease with the path I’d laid out - it was showing up as a lethargy and heaviness in the body; confused thinking and doubt. I also noticed that when colleagues on the course talked about their plans for research I was intrigued and envious.
The language of emotions
Envy often gets a bad rap. It is viewed as something to be ashamed of. However, Karla McLaren, in her book the Language of Emotions, explains how the word emotion, literally means feelings in motion. Every one of our emotions has a helpful message for us, if only we can tune in and give it the space to express itself. Amongst other things, envy can indicate a need for healing and restoration.
Psychologist, Josh Gressel, also points to envy’s role as a signpost and a teacher. In his book, Embracing Envy: Finding the spiritual treasure in our most shameful emotion, he acknowledges that we are most likely to be envious of those who are most like us in a meaningful way and who represent something that is deeply important to our human needs and personal values to be seen, understood and valued. He writes:
Envy is like a magnet pulling you toward becoming more of yourself, so you are likely to be most envious of those just above you in order to motivate you to improve in an area that’s important to you.
So, rather than ignoring my inklings of envy, telling myself to, “Grow up, get over it, and get on with it!” as I would have done in the past, I have been experimenting with self-compassion. Acknowledging I have reached a difficult decision point, allowing my feelings as legitimate – they are part of my current experience, they are already here. And then, gently digging into the message below the emotion: what is it telling me? Through my embodied mindfulness practices, I have been making space to tune into body and mind and I am getting clearer about envy’s message for me.
I noticed a drive to explore why my own way of working with clients was so impactful. I wanted to more deeply explore the different threads that make up my approach: the confluence between coaching, mindfulness, self-compassion and nature-based therapies. I wanted to be able to clearly articulate the evidence underpinning my approach in an even more robust way.
Being Brave
So I’ve made a brave - and I’ll be honest, what at times feels like a slightly crazy - decision to change the route of my Masters. This means taking an extra year to make space for a Research module before writing my thesis.
This decision hasn’t come out of the blue. It’s something I’ve been pondering for a few years. However, I kept putting up blocks and reasons as to why it didn’t make sense. Many of them are true. For instance, I value teaching the eight-week mindfulness curriculums and supporting people to nurture well-being through mindfulness by practising this way. (but as I can still continue to teach the MBSR and MBCL courses I love, whilst researching my other passions, this was not a convincing reason).
If I’m honest, the biggest block was fear!
Good friends know that I am dyscalculic. I struggled to complete GCSE maths. This used to be something I was embarrassed about and tried to hide but I now recognise it’s not something to be embarrassed about. I am proud of myself - at how I have managed to work with and through this dys, performing challenging roles in HR and successfully building my own business as a self-employed learning entrepreneur.
But, when it came to taking a research module… despite all the work I do with clients around working with limiting self-beliefs... I didn’t believe in myself! I was reticent to take the risk and step out of my comfort zone.
It still feels like a big stretch! Since making the decision I’ve had a few sleepless nights. But I’m prepared to give it a go. Who knows, the stretch may be too much, I may need to review my plans again. Or I may need to look for some extra support with the numbers side. But, what I’ve learnt along the journey is that I will cope. I will make adjustments as necessary and I will carry on, even if I need to adjust the route to reach the destination.
Coming from love (not fear!)
In the beautiful book, Return to Love, Marianne Williamson summarises the metaphysical text, Course in Miracles, explaining how we can either live life from love or fear. I recognise that in my decision-making process, the decision to stick with the familiar was coming from fear. Now, as I step into courageousness, I need to touch base with the energy of love reminding myself of my why: what is motivating me to do this; why I believe it’s important and why it matters.
I’ve also been deeply touched by the support of friends during my decision-making process. I am grateful for the kindness and patience they have shown and, as I write, I am taking a moment to connect with appreciation for the love and kindness offered. Although my friends have been bemused by my indecisive ruminations between (to the outside observer) two fairly similar choices, they have all lent considerate and unjudgmental listening ears which has been hugely supportive in helping me reach my decision. Heartfelt thanks if you’ve been part of that listening team.
The support of our practice
Of course, the other thing that has been a huge support to me during this decisions making process is my mindful compassion practice. The first step was to notice, with mindful awareness, and then to be kind to myself about what I was noticing, giving myself space be with my thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations. The next step was to tune in to what they may be telling me, in much the same way we do in our body-based awareness during an Equine Facilitated Learning session. In EFL we practice a special form of body scan which supports us to tune into the intuitive messages of the body. You can listen to the practice on my audio resources page.
I also noticed that I was feeling pulled to spend even more time in nature. Our dog, Rusty, has enjoyed this process as we have had lots of long walks as I shift between mulling over my conundrum and regularly bringing myself back into my body: feeling the body in motion as I walk, encouraging myself to savour the autumn sights, sounds and smells through my senses. This process of regularly, intentionally coming back to the senses has helped to keep me grounded and keep inviting me back to the present moment rather than worrying about all the future possibilities.
I’ve also felt myself more drawn to Equanimity practices. In the MBCL course we teach that these equanimity practices can be particularly supportive at times when our internal and external weather system may be a bit blustery or overcast. In these conditions we can care for ourselves, and seek balance, by recognising the perspective the bigger picture offers. If you’d like to dive deeper into equanimity, including a couple of beautiful guided practices, you may like to listen to episode eight, season two of my podcast where I speak with the renowned teacher Frits Koster about Deepening Compassion with Equanimity.
As we shift into the new academic year, I am still feeling into my decision. At our course welcome evening – marking my fifth year of study at Bangor University - I noticed, as I joined the Zoom room, a warm sense of belonging, a sense of excitement and curiosity about the year ahead. And the willingness to grow and be stretched.
I’m certain there will be many more moments of doubt and uncertainty along the journey. I also have faith that my mindful compassion practices and support network will carry me through next time I face a challenging decision point.
Closing Reflections
I’m relieved to say, it is much easier to support others in their decision-making process than to navigate my own! If you are facing a big decision and would like some support to respond from a place of love not fear I would love to support you and your journey. Why not get in touch and arrange a free, no obligation, 30 minute clarity call to discuss how you may take the next step on your own road less travelled. I would be honoured to be a compassionate companion on your journey.
As I often do, I’ll end by sharing a poem. This time one from Robert Frost, that I’m sure many of you know. The most memorable time I heard it recited was at our friends’ wedding many years ago. Even now, sharing that brings a smile to my face and my heart. The poem helps me recognise the shared humanity of our desire for adventure and the ripple effects of our choices. And the happy memory reminds me it’s sometimes good to have a companion on the journey.
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